It has been several months since my last blog post. You may be ask yourself why? A person can easily see that I was continuing so many other aspects of my social media ministry work, yet blogs were absent. The question of “why” is honest and fair. Here is my answer for you. My blog writing is the one part of my social media ministry where I open my heart the most making it an intimate act of vulnerability not common in all of my other social media content.
Every word I type and sentence I construct are things my mind stews over greatly. When I make videos and audio podcasts I can lean into my extroverted personality. Throughout the years I developed voice patterns and facial cues that I use to make or strengthen my points. However, in writing I cannot use these tools, so again each word or sentence makes known a bit of my heart that my face or voice might have been overshadow in other online content.
Now, over these last few months, my heart was and still is hurting from an event that happened within my family. A cousin of mine, who I was close to and loved greatly committed suicided in Michigan. She left behind several children and a large extended family that loves and misses her greatly. Her life was not easy. She had many bad things happen to her, like domestic violence. Her boyfriend at the time near the end of high school and after was one of the first big moments that pushed her heart into a darkness that goes beyond words. Luckily, she meet a wonderful man latter in her life, that for awhile made her smile. Yet, the darkness in her was still there. Also, my cousin also had a terrible car accident that damaged her brain greatly. Since, then she was not really the same person, for my younger years.
Over these last two and half months my cousin was on my mind and in my heart a lot. Why? Because I made a choice. A choice that left a wound in my heart. I choose while I was at home this past summer to NOT visit her, because I did not want to deal with some of her issues. I chose, instead, to visit other family members and friends. My choice, since then, is like a little ghost in my heart moaning. This is where time is an unforgivable beast that yields to no man. It just keeps going along, i.e. the title of this post.
So, why now? Why am I writing this post? Recently, there was a movement in my heart around my cousin. A sense of peace pervaded my heart about her even though the sadness is still present. We speak about God’s mercy even though moments like suicide seems to be closed off to it. Yet, Isaiah tells us “God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts” (Is. 55: 8-9). I am able to say to God in my prayers now, “Lord, I know you love her and she did not suffer alone, so may your will be done and your love made known.”
With that prayer I feel I can return to my blog. The wound my cousin left in me may never be healed in this life. I am okay with that reality, because from that wound I sense the Lord entering into my heart. Within my heart I am able to his his whispering invite to me. An invite that is asking for me to enter now into His own wounded heart. Time, for now, is still moving along, but those little moments of peace in Christ offer a taste of something timeless. From those little moments where I try to rest I hope and pray for my cousin to finally experience peace and love her heart hungered during her short life upon this earth.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ~ Matthew 11:28